Let me set the record straight - I don’t currently binge eat but I did for many, many years.
It’s a dysfunctional and highly negative way to live.
I ate to pacify the pain and loneliness I felt. I suffered with the feeling of a hole in my spirit since I was as young as 12 or 13 years old.
My life was difficult at that time and got more stressful as the years went on.
No one ever taught me how to eat or what to eat… and when to eat.
Binge Eating was my thing - a way for me to have control over an environment where I thought I had no voice.
Everyone around me was making decisions for me and I had no way of vocalizing what I needed.
That lack of control led me down a path of being unkind to myself.
At night is when I felt most alone.
I was left with my thoughts and would decide that it was easier to eat than to deal with the enormity of the issues I was faced with.
The food was a loving, kind friend that always had a warm hug and wasn’t judgmental.
One night, after having eaten an entire Entemanns Pound Cake because I had an extremely bad day, I decided to change.
I knew I had become borderline diabetic, cartilage in my knees were failing, I had been diagnosed with sleep apnea, and I was constantly riddled with tumors of the breast due to increased estrogen.
I got diagnosed with breast cancer twice.
A voice inside told me … Break it down, then Rebuild.
I then vowed I would go on a journey of myself… setting up purpose-filled intentions to fix what isn’t working.
I would become who I always wanted to be and do even more than I dreamed of doing.
First I began Food Addiction therapy with a Psychologist.
Talking to someone helps so much.
Identifying what is wrong.
Being validated on fixing what you see as wrong is a wonderful thing.
Next I started to change habits… I woke up everyday Grateful for all the simplest but essential body parts that allow me to carry my wondrous body around everyday… I thanked my legs, my back, my knees, my hands, my stomach, etc.. etc..
I became almost tearful when I would have ‘Gratitude Time’ in the morning.
Just realizing what damage and negativity I had sent my miraculous body through.
I didn’t appreciate it. I didn’t appreciate myself !
I forgave ME. I forgave myself for not knowing any better.
I vowed to be happy with all the greatness my body has to offer… and the healing foods I would feed it from now on.
I now eat consciously and purposefully.
Putting good foods inside of the vessel that has carried me for 48 years - despite my once ungrateful attitudes and behaviors towards it.
My daughter often catches me standing at the window or walking past a park or simply looking at the sky with my hand on my chest with eyes closed…
She asks“What’s wrong, Mom ?”
I say to her“ Nothing… Not a thing.” I smile at her and tell her“... That IS what is wonderful - The nothing.”